


Sing For Me Again

by DeadMilitia



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Cemetery, Crying, Death, Funeral, Grave, Heartbreaking, Mikey doesn't want to let Gerard go, Nothing can comfort Mikey, Overdose, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, triggering
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-28
Updated: 2016-04-28
Packaged: 2018-06-05 01:29:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6683911
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DeadMilitia/pseuds/DeadMilitia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Will you carry me down the aisle that final day? With your tears and cold hands shaking from the weight. When you lower me down beneath that sky of gray, let the rain fall down and wash away your pain."</p><p>The only thing Mikey wants is for Gerard to wake up, but he's never going to. He's gone and he's never coming back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sing For Me Again

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IS EXTREMELY TRIGGERING! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION!  
> I wrote this when I was feeling extremely down and after having a panic attack. If you are feeling suicidal or have in the past and aren't sure you can handle reading about it, please don't read this. I don't want to trigger anyone. 
> 
> All titles and lyrics in the summary are from "Carry Me Down" by Demon Hunter.

Gerard didn't know exactly why he decided it, but he knew he wasn't going to grow old. He never really made a plan, he figured when the time was right, it would just happen. Whether by his own hands or not. He sort of hoped something would happen to him so his family wouldn't know how much he really hates his life. He didn't want them to blame themselves or wonder what they could have done to save him. The answer to that was that they couldn't help. Nothing would save him. He just hated life. Simple as that. He loved his family though, they were the only good thing here, and the only reason he had hung on for so long.

He wished it had been some horrible accident that did him in. He had spent the last two weeks basically trying to be killed. Hanging out in the bad part of town in the middle of the night, wrecking his car, walking out in front of cars on his way home. None of it worked. He spent the whole night in the bad part of town just walking around and smoking. People would stare at him but nobody bothered him. He wrecked his car into a tree only to be knocked unconscious and wake up in the hospital. And the few cars he walked out in front of all managed to miss him by swerving.

You had to be a pretty screwed up person to do all of those things. Most people were extra careful and took precautions to make sure they were safe. But here he was, taking risks and hoping to be killed. None of it worked though which left him with one option. He had to take matters into his own hands.

He bought some strong drugs while he was on the bad side of town the last time. He ran into some guy in a dark alley, hoping that would be the end of it. Instead the man asked if he was looking to buy. He figured it would be nice to have something to fall back on and told the guy to give him the strongest thing he had.

Gerard stared down at the pills in his hand. He couldn't remember what the man told him they were, some homemade shit. For a moment, he contemplated if this was really what he wanted. He would be leaving everything behind, his parents, Mikey, the few friends he had. He would never know what his life would turn out like later on, if his music would ever go somewhere, if he would ever get married, ever have kids.

Who would marry him though? Let alone have kids with him. He was disgusting, repulsive. Nobody wanted him and nobody ever would. His family would get over it eventually. Mikey might take longer since he relied heavily on his older brother, but he would be okay. He's stronger than Gerard could ever hope to be. His parents would be okay, too. They would have one less thing to worry about. Gerard did nothing but cause problems for them. They spent way too much money and time on him, trying to keep him safe, get him out of trouble. It was better for them if he was gone.

After deciding that this was what had to be done, he threw the handful of pills into his mouth and swallowed them down with the glass of water on the bathroom counter. After the pills were down, he sat on the floor to wait. He knew it wouldn't take long.

\-----------------------

Mikey felt like something was wrong, but he couldn't figure out what. He was hanging out at the local music club and everything was going great. But why was he having that feeling? For some reason he felt it had to do with Gerard. He pulled out his phone and sent a text to his big brother, just to check on him. He waited for a long time but never got a reply.

"Hey, I think I'm gonna head home." He yelled to his friend over the loud music. After saying his goodbyes, he left with that feeling still making his stomach tight. Something was wrong and it was starting to make him anxious. He didn't even bother locking his car when he got to the house. He jumped out and ran inside. He went straight to Gerard's room but didn't find him there. After searching a bit more, he noticed the upstairs bathroom door was shut and light was spilling out from under the door. He felt relieved, knowing it was Gerard since their parents weren't home yet.

"Yo, hurry up!" Mikey yelled through the door, getting no reply. He went to his bedroom to wait for Gerard. After that scare he really wanted to spend time with his brother. He wanted reassurance that everything was okay. He knew Gerard could make that feeling in his stomach go away completely. He squirmed around on the bed when that feeling didn't go away. It was taking Gerard a long time.

After twenty minutes of impatiently waiting, he got up and made his way back to the door. He knocked before pressing his ear to the door. There was no sound on the other side. He furrowed his brow and bit his lip. He finally tried the door knob and found it unlocked. That was weird. He pushed the door open a little, expecting Gerard to yell at him about privacy.

"G-Gerard? Are you okay?" He asked, getting more scared by the second. "G-Gerard?" He asked again, pushing the door open more and peeking in. He gasped and his stomach dropped when he saw Gerard lying on the floor. His eyes were open and there was a pool of saliva and foam on the floor around his mouth. Mikey felt like he was going to be sick. He ran in and fell to his knees by Gerard. He looked him over, not knowing what to do.

"G-Gerard? Come on, wake up. Please, you, you gotta get up." Mikey begged, shaking his brother violently. He knew Gerard wasn't going to get up though. He knew the horrible truth. His brother was dead. "Gerard! Please! Please, don't leave me! Please!" He begged as he sobbed. He leaned forward and buried his face into his brother's side, wishing that Gerard would move to hold him and tell him everything would be okay. He couldn't live without Gerard. He didn't _want_ to live without Gerard.

His sobbing turned to gagging. He moved to throw up in the toilet. His brother's dead. Why would Gerard do this? What happened? Could he have saved Gerard somehow? Why didn't he talk to him? He threw up again and again until there was nothing left. He was sobbing so hard he couldn't breathe. He didn't want this to be real. He wanted it to be some horrible nightmare. He wanted to wake up and go crawl into Gerard's bed to be comforted and told that his brother would never leave him.

But this isn't a nightmare. Not one he can wake up from anyway. He can't go crawl into Gerard's bed and be comforted. He'll never be able to feel Gerard's warmth again. He'll never have his brother's arms around him and gentle voice telling him it would be okay. Gerard was gone forever. He would never be there for Mikey again.

Mikey sobbed as he pulled out his cell phone. He couldn't handle talking to anyone so he just sent his parents a text telling them it was an emergency and they needed to come home. He then buried his face back into Gerard's side and sobbed. He wasn't warm anymore. His body heat was slowly fading away, his body wasn't moving with his breathing anymore. His steady breaths and movement of his chest had always calmed Mikey. Now that was gone.

Mikey didn't move when his parents arrived home. They called out for him and Gerard, sounding panicked. They both rushed up the stairs to find Mikey sobbing into Gerard's body. He could hear his mom start wailing as she came over to her dead son. His dad was crying too as he checked for a pulse on Gerard. It was useless though, the older boy was far gone.

"Call 911!" His mom kept screaming over and over, sobbing over her dead child. Mikey's crying became louder as his parents freaked out and his dad called 911. It made everything way too real. Gerard's dead and the ambulance was coming to take him away. Mikey would never be able to see him again. He wouldn't be able to hold him anymore. They were going to take him away.

When the paramedics finally arrived, the Way parents went down to explain the situation. Two paramedics came into the bathroom to check on Gerard. After confirming he was gone, they went to get a gurney and body bag. Mikey didn't move the entire time they were trying to check on Gerard. He knew it was pointless. Gerard was gone and there was nothing they could do to save him.

"Alright, son, we need you to move." One of the men said softly, placing a hand on Mikey's shoulder. Mikey jerked away from the touch.

"No! You can't take him! I n-need him!" Mikey sobbed, clutching on to Gerard's shirt. They couldn't take him away. He couldn't lose Gerard.

"Mikey-" his dad's voice cracked. He felt a hand gently tug on his arm and he broke. His sobbing got louder and he gripped on to Gerard as tightly as he could.

"No! You're not taking him! You can't take him away! I need him! I n-need h-him! Pl-Please! G-Gerard! Pl-Pl-ease w-wake up! I n-ne-ed you! Pl-ease!" Mikey practically screamed in hysterics. He wasn't sure what was happening around him. All he knew was someone was wrapping their arms around his torso and trying to pull him away. He began screaming and fighting against the hands. Another set of hands grabbed at his arms, trying to keep him from hurting himself or someone else. He continued to scream Gerard's name over and over as he was pulled away from his brother's body.

The next thing he knew, he was on the floor in the hallway in his parents' arms. They were both sobbing over him and holding him tight. Mikey buried his face into his dad's chest, sobbing and screaming. The men called to take Gerard away did just that. They put him in a body bag, put him on the gurney, and took him away. Mikey was passed from his dad to his mom as his dad got up to follow the paramedics out. Mikey clung to his mom, sobbing and gagging.

Mikey couldn't talk to tell the paramedics what had happened. He tried his best, with a little help from his parents trying to interpret what he was saying. The bathroom was searched by a police officer Mikey hadn't even noticed come in. His parents were questioned, he was questioned, Gerard's room was searched, his phone was searched, they were asked a ton of questions about Gerard's life.

Mikey felt numb. He was still sitting on the floor where he was placed earlier, except now he was leaning against the wall, knees to his chest, and arms tightly around his legs. He was still crying but at least he had stopped screaming. He stared straight ahead at the other wall, ignoring all of the people around him. He had stopped answering questions a while ago. His brother was dead and now he wanted to follow his example. How was he expected to keep living without Gerard?

He would never hear Gerard laugh again. He would never hear his lame ass jokes that only made Gerard laugh which would then make Mikey laugh at him. He would never get random texts through the day that would seem odd if Gerard sent them to anyone else. He would never be able to sneak into Gerard's room in the middle of night because he was scared or couldn't sleep. There wouldn't be anymore late night monster movie marathons on the weekends He would never have Gerard again.

\---------------

Mikey slept in Gerard's bed every night since he died. He wanted to be as close to Gerard as he could. He refused to leave Gerard's room for anything. He wouldn't eat, shower, or go to school. Gerard was gone and he had no desire to keep living. His entire family was in town, people were constantly coming into the room to check on him and try to offer comfort. They weren't Gerard though. He was the only person who could comfort Mikey. He had always been the only person to make things better. Whether through softly telling Mikey all the reasons things would be okay or through telling jokes until he had Mikey laughing.

Ray, Bob, and Frank had come to see him several times, Frank had even stayed a night with him. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate what his friends were doing to try to help, he just didn't want help. He wanted Gerard back and he wasn't going to be happy again until he got him. Which means he'll never be happy again.

He didn't move from under Gerard's covers when he heard the door open.

"Mikey?" He heard Ray ask. Ray came in and sat on the edge of the bed, rubbing his hand up and down Mikey's side in hopes of comforting him. "Your, um, your mom wants you to come upstairs." He explained gently.

"Why?" Mikey asked, no emotion in his voice.

"Um, she wants your opinion on... some things." Mikey knew exactly what those things were. They were planning Gerard's funeral and he wanted nothing to do with it. He didn't want to help decide what coffin was right for Gerard, what his headstone should look like, what should be on the back of it, what he thought Gerard would want to be buried in. He didn't want to help make those decisions because he didn't want to accept that his brother was gone.

"I don't want to help," Mikey said sternly, hoping they would finally leave him alone about it.

"She wants you to pick out what he'll wear." Ray said, his voice cracking slightly. Mikey bite back his tears. He didn't want to pick, he didn't want them to bury Gerard. He wanted Gerard here with him. "H-How about those black jeans he always loved?" Ray suggested. Mikey broke down and sobbed into Gerard's pillow that still smelled like him.

"And definitely a jacket. Gerard loved those things," Ray forced a small chuckle. It only made Mikey want to cry more.

"I don't want to talk about this." Mikey whispered, he fought back the sobs that wanted to break free. He couldn't do this. He didn't want to think of what Gerard would be wearing while he rots away in a hole in the ground. It wasn't fair. Gerard didn't deserve this.

"Okay," was all Ray said. He gave Mikey's arm a small squeeze before getting up and leaving. Mikey broke down again, sobbing into the pillow.

\---------------------

Mikey stared blankly at his reflection. He was wearing a suit and tie, something he never wore, and his mom had sleeked his hair back. The house was noisy with all of his family members and family friends talking and laughing. How could they laugh on a day like this? Gerard is dead and they're getting ready to bury him. How could they find any joy or happiness on a day like today?

Mikey hadn't gone to the viewing yesterday. He didn't want to see his brother's body. Gerard wasn't there anymore, why would he want to be reminded? He didn't want to go to the funeral either. He wanted to stay in Gerard's room until he dies too. If there was anything after death, he wanted to be with Gerard wherever he was.

He slowly made his way downstairs, moving and looking like a zombie. People tried to talk to him, tried to hug him, tried to comfort him. He didn't respond to any of it though. It wasn't going to be okay, _he_ wasn't going to be okay, he didn't want to be hugged, he didn't want to hear that Gerard was in a better place. The only place that Gerard belonged was next to him.

Mikey stared out the window as they drove to the funeral home. At least the skies understood Mikey's feelings today. The clouds were dark and it was steadily raining. It had been raining for the last two days with no signs of stopping. Even the earth was mourning Gerard's death. It oddly made Mikey feel better. He wondered if all of those people were right and Gerard could see him right now. Maybe Gerard was mourning too because he regrets what he had done. No, Mikey didn't want that. He didn't want Gerard to spend eternity mourning his decisions. He hoped Gerard was safe and happy now. He never seemed too happy in life so maybe he was finally happy.

At the funeral home, Mikey was faced with even more people who wanted to hug him and tell him that things would be okay or that Gerard was in a better place. Mikey eventually started putting his hands up to refuse the hugs, not caring if it offended others. He sat in one of the seats in the back corner of the room and watched the line of people go to view Gerard's body. He had always thought it was a weird thing to do. That wasn't his brother, Gerard wasn't there anymore. It was just a lifeless, empty body.

"Mikey, why don't you go up to see Gerard." His mom ushered, Mikey only shook his head no. He couldn't go up there. Even seeing what little he could from his seat was killing him. To see his brother's body in a coffin would make it too real. "Come on, sweetie, I want all of us to go up as a family." Mikey felt like crying. They weren't a family anymore. They would never be a family without Gerard.

After looking at his mother, he realized that he wasn't the only one suffering. His parents hadn't stopped crying either since Gerard died. His mom barely slept and his father barely spoke. He finally nodded his head, agreeing to go up with his parents. His whole body was shaking and his stomach was churning as they made their way up. They waited in the short line to allow others to see the body first. Mikey felt more sick the closer they got to the coffin.

"I-I can't do this," Mikey said, breaking down again. He moved out of line, going to sit in the first seat he found. He buried his face in his hands to cry. Someone sat beside him and began rubbing his back. He wasn't sure who it was, but he didn't really care anymore. No amount of comforting was going to help him. He wanted to make his parents happy, but he just couldn't stand to see Gerard again. Not unless he sits up in the coffin and tells him this was some sick, drawn out joke. Then he would laugh until he realized it wasn't funny to Mikey at which point he would try his hardest to make it up to his little brother.

This wasn't a joke though. This was reality. That coffin would shut, he would be taken to the cemetery, and he would be buried. They would leave Gerard at the cemetery and go on with life without him. He didn't want to do that. He wanted to lay in the coffin and be buried with Gerard. He just wanted this all to be over.

\-------------------

It seemed like such a cliché funeral. People had umbrellas to guard themselves from the rain when they weren't under the blue tent set up over Gerard's grave. Mikey had done the hardest thing he'll ever have to do. He helped carry his brother's coffin to the hearse, then once they were at the cemetery, he helped carry him to his grave. It was something he never thought he would have to do.

"... I've known Gerard since he was a little boy and I'm sure he wouldn't want us mourning his death today. Instead, I think he would want us to celebrate his life. His short nineteen years on this earth weren't in vain. He brought light and joy into so many lives. We'll never know what was going on in this young man's mind; why he chose the path he did. But one thing we can be sure of is that he'll live on in each and every one of our memories. And we shouldn't mourn that he's gone, but celebrate that he was here and that we'll all meet again one day in a place far better than this earth." The pastor standing near Gerard's coffin said.

Mikey tried his hardest to hold himself together but it didn't work. He was currently sobbing into Ray's chest while Bob rubbed his back and Frank kept a hand on his shoulder. His mom was sobbing into his dad's chest. He didn't want to say goodbye to his brother.

After the funeral had ended, people gave him and his parents hugs before leaving the cemetery. The church was holding a dinner after Gerard's funeral in honor of his life. Mikey knew he wouldn't be able to eat. He didn't understand how people were still laughing. He heard classmates, teachers, and friends of Gerard's telling stories of him. Family members were laughing at Gerard's goofiness. Mikey assumed it was better than crying, but he couldn't find it in himself to find joy in the stories. They only made his heart ache more because they would never be able to make new memories.

\---------------

Just as Mikey had thought, he couldn't eat anything at the dinner. His mom had made him a plate and set it in front of him, but he hadn't touched anything on it. He was surrounded by his cousins and friends at one of the tables, they were all talking, telling their own stories of Gerard. It made Mikey's throat tighten and tears burn his eyes. Gerard should be sitting at the table with them, laughing and telling them to shut up. Instead he was in a hole in the ground.

Mikey was just ready to go home. He was ready to be away from all of these people and their stories of Gerard. He wanted to lock himself in Gerard's room and cry himself to sleep again. He tuned out everyone around him, tired of hearing them talk like Gerard was just somewhere else and would be back soon.

He watched people file out, hugging his parents and telling them, yet again, how sorry they were for their loss. People had stopped hugging Mikey, realizing he didn't want to be touched right now. A few would come over to tell him bye, but for the most part they left him alone.

"How about you come over tonight and we all have a sleep over like we used to do?" Bob suggested, getting 'yeahs' from Frank and Ray who smiled at Mikey.

"I'd rather be alone," Mikey said, feeling bad for turning them down. He knew they were just trying to help. They were worried and probably had every right to be. Mikey hadn't decided if he was going to join Gerard in the cemetery yet or not. The longer he was away from Gerard, the stronger the urges got.

\------------------

That night felt stranger than the others had. It was suddenly more real that Gerard wasn't coming back. Mikey was laying in Gerard's bed, his scent still lingering on the sheets. Mikey hadn't touched anything besides the bed and he didn't plan to let anyone else touch anything either. This room would stay exactly how Gerard left it. And Mikey had no plans of leaving Gerard's bed.

Mikey figured he would cry himself to sleep, but instead he felt numb. He stared up at the ceiling as memories of Gerard went through his head. All the inside jokes they had that they never explained to others, the stupid things that made them laugh, the plans they had for their futures. None of it mattered anymore. Nobody else understood those jokes. Those things wouldn't be funny without Gerard there to understand why they were funny. Those plans to travel the world as a rock band together died the same day Gerard did. None of it mattered anymore.

Without Gerard, life didn't matter anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> If you are dealing with suicidal thoughts, please remember that you're not facing life alone. There are people who want to help you.  
> National and International suicide prevention hotlines:  
> (International) http://www.suicide.org/international-suicide-hotlines.html  
> (National) http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  
> Also, if you want free and anonymous counseling, you can visit The Hopeline. You can either talk on the phone with someone, chat online, or visit their blog. You can choose to remain anonymous, it is confidential and free. They will ask for your zip code, but that's just so they can help you find counseling/crisis centers in your area. (http://www.thehopeline.com/)


End file.
